Friday, December 31, 2004
; why can't we be like the first day we're together ?
without you, my heart starts to cry.
you're all that i want, all that i need.
why don't you come and love me?
last night, everything turned out to be a horror. >): thoughts of her went running in my mind, looking at my phone every 5 mins, thinking what's the next thing is she do or tell me and whether it shatters my heart anot. if ive to live my life like that just to be with her, i will carry on. >): im starting to have all sorts of suicide thoughts again. i hope it won't result to cutting. she's having family problems, i can't help. i feel fucking hopeless. just suddenly, i no longer think im important to her. she's treating me more like a bestie. no more iloveyouS, imissyouS, babyS suddenly. and one more thing, cadence ain't around anymore. as well as, jenyiah, mummy and daddy. i always love doing that to her. but thanks to me, she put a fullstop to it. >): was it something i did or was it something i said? or i didn't love and care for her as much as i should be? she means so much to me. i would give up everything for her. but would she? i'm feeling fucking terrible. she totally just got no mood to talk to me at all. ive been keeping quiet thoughout the whole conversation. i was thinking about the past, the first day together. the day i really miss. i want to replay that day again. i fucking regret. just fucking regret. i just want that day. i realleh miss it alort. i'm so gonna breakdown again. i won't cry in front of her anymore. what she said about me when i tear was fucking so painful. i know im emotional and CRYBABY. i cant make it to be a good gf. -SLAPS, HITS SELF- i'm not trying to hide things. i don't like. it's just that i don't know how to tell her. she might see this, she might not? i dont know. AHH. -SCREAMS- my heart, hurts like fuck now. UGH.
working later on. (: im not having high hopes about meeting her. i want her to rest well at home. (though i know she will go out.) sigh, nvm. last day already. so, might get salary! :D:D:D:D
shall go now!
later!
I'd dance the night away
Holding you close to my heart
Whispering sweet nothings in your ear
As if we would never be apart
; stick with you
Thursday, December 30, 2004
; when im with you, i feel like i can just do anything
check out the time now. baby haven't call yet! ): -CRIES- gonna keep this entry short and sweet. not working today, actually. but cousin changed her mind. hahaha. good god, i guess im meeting baby later! (:
just sent baby a mail. hahah. card lah, actually. school is gonna start torturing in 3 days! (: okay, im happy about it. really! (: ive got my locker already! baby says its on the top hur. hahah.
shall wait for baby to call then. >):
later!
I'd hold your hand all day
And tell you how much I love you
Just to see that gleam in your eyes
As you say it to me too
; stick with you
Wednesday, December 29, 2004
; i want someone to love me, someone to hold for this christmas.
we can always celebrate the anni another day. ive been trying to make myself having the whole day yesterday. ive been trying to convince myself, telling myself, a anni ain't any big deal. :D now it's all over. -GRINS
you know what? the best christmas present i had this year was from God. He gave me you. (: that was my only wish this year. -hugs
woke up at 815. waiting for baby to call. she used to wait for me, but now im waiting! haha. that silly gay. she's tired lah, can't blame her. heh. and yes, im meeting her later on. heh, you wouldn't know how happy i was. sigh, if we don't get to meet today, it would be like one week already. >):
i told qiaolin, we didn't meet up yesterday, she was like DAMN SADDEN. saw her with keith at the mrt station. qiaolin was trying to kill him lah huh. hahaha. they both, so cute. how i wish, somehow we could be like them. so happy together.
sigh, i've been daydreaming about us. >): i miss that look. that look deep into her eyes. once i open my eyes, i would see her staring at me. i miss lying on her shoulders. i miss walking around plaza sing with her. i miss hugging her tight that she couldnt even breathe. (though she dont like it, hah) i miss her alot. no words could describe how much im missing her. even the sweetest dream about us will never do. i wanan lie close to her and feel her heart beating. hah, so cute.
thank god i found you.
thank god we're together.
thank god you're mine.
well well, shall go talk to baby now.
later!
A thousand words could never express
the amount of love I have for you.
The ocean could never hold the tears that
I have cried, because I need you.
; stick with you
Tuesday, December 28, 2004
__i no longer feel the importance that you see in me ;
sigh. i feel like fuck when baby told me what happened. im just upset. i don't know what's the main reason. but i know, there's many reason for it.
happy first month anniversary, baby!
well, though we can't spent it together, neither can i meet you,
it's okay yeah? my heart's always with you. ( :
thanks for being there.
thanks for being mine
thanks for making me feel so loved by you.
thanks for all those fun and nonsense we had.
thanks for loving me. ( :
i still love you and always will. you're part of me, baby.
-hugs tight-
tw oze roo ne eig ht
; 2 81 20 4 *i lu
baby's xmas and anni present are sitting on my tree at the balcony. (: kinda sad lah. thought i could meet her today to pass her those present. sigh, i hope she like what i bought for her. actually, i can't really be bothered with the presents, presents are another thing. seeing her smile in front of me is another big thing. ): if tmr we still don't get to meet up, it's a week already. ): i'm here without you, baby. it's making me so wanna breakdown. sigh. now all the sad songs are playing. -SCREAMS
whatever that has happened, or happening, or about to happen,
i still love my baby boy. (:
-hugs tight- *KEYS
We'd cuddle under the stars
And we'd talk for hours maybe
You'd hum our song in my ear
And tell me I'm your baby
; stick with you
Tuesday, December 21, 2004
___move your body close, you're part of that beat in my heart ;
baby's finally back home! (:
heh. -winks
nov's bill is terrible.
$85 - handphone
$30 - house phone
$10 - internet
this is so JIA LET! ):
need to cut down lahh.
FRIDAY.
mum and dad didn't work. went to shop around. dad went to tailor his stuffs. i saw this some kinda old uncle cloth. i ask.
me : " ask daddy make a shirt out of that cloth and don't walk with me in shopping centres. "
mum : " that's for underwears! "
me : " no laughing matter? hahahah. "
mum : "yeah! your grandpa wear these! "
me : keep laughing.
mum : " you mean you didn't know? grandpa wore this everyday at home! he buys the cloth and grandma do it for him. very cheap only. you want ? "
me : " i don't know! OMG. so thin ? "
mum: " it's AIRY. "
me : laugh even more.
mum: " if you don't believe then you ask daddy or ask grandma. "
what the fuck. i laughed my way in and out of the tailor's place okay! hahahah. its AIRY. hahahaha.okay, after that went off to queensway. wanted to buy that pair of roxy shoes and nike dunks but, mum said that roxy one might be the imitation, so didn't buy. as for the nike one, we couldnt find the cheapest one. =\ dinner, sweet home.
SATURDAY.
went shopping with my grandma and cousin. walk all the way from scotts to orchard og. ): my leg hurts like fuck. hah. but i enjoyed lah. cos, i spent my money like nobody business and nobody said anything. heh. fun. i didn all shopping, shopping and more shopping! hahah. msg baby alot lah. uh huh. but wells, im happy. i dont know why. heh. went back at ard 7. took a cab. went back to uncle's place. baby called! haha. went to eat with them. vegetarian please. i dont like! ): -pukes. went back to aunt's place. stayover there. haha, jermaine's bday party the next day. so stayover to deco the hse. bought deco and balloons! haha. put jermaine to sleep before we start off with the deco. hahaha. so cute!
i also want party. ):
SUNDAY.
baby coming home today! :D:D:D heh. went down to town early morning. wanted o get stuff for baby, end up i didnt. sigh. went to change some stuffs we bought earlier on yesterday. went back at ard 12. party started already. buffet's there, party-ers are all there! hahaha. kids there are just so adorable. hahaha. big eyes, innocent look. heh. I LOVE! baby has got that kinda look too! -smirks.hahaha. went tot alk to cousin and all. he didn't got a gf. he says, wait for love to find you, dont go and find love. even if you love that love of yours, that love don't love you, whats the point? it's just a waste of time. somehow, i agree. this time, i didn't find. she came to find me instead. now, we found. (: facts? uh huh. -nodds. went off after awhile. after that, went to our old place, the nearby temple to pray. (: went to town to shop. baby msg me in the night. she's back home! -screams!
MONDAY
went over to baby's place! heh. she went to get her results slip in the morning. so waited for her. heh. yay! (: so happy! (: after that,. went to ps to meet my parents. walk ard. bought the adidas bag and bottle! -winks. im a happy girl! (:
talking to baby now. heh. (: AHHH. IM SO IN LOVE WITH YOU SEXAYE! (:
; hold on to my hand and never let go.))`
; stick with you
Thursday, December 16, 2004
_the day you went away ;
she left early this morning.
sighh.
both of us cried till eyes were swollen and puffy.
cant open it either. ):
would you rather ure gf,
get beaten up for not going for the trip but yet, still get to meet up
OR
go in a piece and come home in a piece but unable to meet up?
i chose the second.
fisherman's friend finish already! ):
i can't call her dear or ah boy. it hurts alot when she said that lah.
blame it on myself lah okay. ): i know sshe see this, she is so gonna get angry. like what she did yesterday.
fucking hurt. fucking painful. ):
__i'll be waiting for your return))`
; stick with you
Wednesday, December 15, 2004
_you promised to stay here with me, will you please not leave ;
im feeling terrible inside.
suffering like fuck.
feel like vomiting.
headache.
coughing my lungs out.
sneezing and sniffing nonstop.
im supposed to get well today.
i promised darling i will.
i miss that silly darl.
all i can think about is you.
she's leaving today.
will only be back on sunday.
HOW NICE. ):
-CRIES, SCREAMS
was a last min decision.
i didnt expect to be true when she told me.
when she told me, im lost.
lost in the world.
im left outside alone in the world.
HOW ?
she ask if i could follow.
kinda obvious, i can't.
i wish i could. ):
put me into your pocket!
put me into your bag! ):
sigh. tell me how.
i know, crying doesnt help.
but, the heartache is there.
i can't accept the truth that ure leaving.
i want you to stay lah. ):
i don't let you go.
i don't allow.
cannot go and take train!
i don't care lah! -pouts
you're suppose to stay and take care of me!
you cannot leave.
if you do, who's gonna protect me from harm?
i told you, i'm scared. ):
who's gonna accompany me in the night?
who's gonna coax me to sleep?
who's gonna buy toy toy for me?
who's gonna make me smile till my jaws are painful?
who's gonna take care of me?
who's gonna bring me to work?
who's gonna sit in the corner of the train with me?
who's gonna fight away all my fears?
who's gonna hug and kiss me to sleep?
who's gonna mend this broken heart?
WHO? all i want was just you! ): and i can't have it.
; will you come home and stop this pain tonight))`
; stick with you
Tuesday, December 14, 2004
cadence, kai jie.
jenyiah, en hui. (:
mummy loves you!
well well, baby's sick.
really sick.
yeah, so am i.
i got the virus from her.
ugh, nvm lah.
not blaming her either.
i know she's in pain but i can't help.
dumbass. ):
*sniffs
for the sake of baby,
i gotta get well.
she promised me that she'll go and see a doc today. (:
till now, no msg, no phone calls.
i guess, i wouldnt be meeting her today. )):
i wanna go out.
i need to make my mum happy before i can go out.
ugh, housework does the trick.
but it doesn't do the trick for me!
cos i dont know how to do. ):
sigh
i miss baby alot.
; stick with you
Monday, December 13, 2004
_i'm willing to give up everything just for you ;
i dont know why.
but it hurts.
i didnt take good care of you! ) :
now, baby is sick.
i aint happy.
made something something for her!
`later!
i don't want us to end up like them))`
; stick with you
Saturday, December 11, 2004
; i would go to the ends of the earth for you_
go on and diss me.
i hate you.
i miss baby.
she's out in town with spyke.
baby asked me to go over.
but i can't.
im home alone.
mum went out for yoga lessons.
will be back only after 4.
zell went for right brain training.
will only be back after 2.
daddy went out.
will be back ANYTIME.
wanted to write to louise
but no inspiration. ):
by christmas, those makeover pics will be done.
hehs. i can't wait lah.
selected a few specially for baby.
i dont know why.
she was the one on my mind all the time.
many couples are breaking up.
why why why?
like lyn and jerm.
i know its none of my fucking busniess.
but im concern.
dont wanna try no more.
baby loves this song.
i gotta go and catch few winks ltr.
im rotting away here. sighh.
i miss baby.
didnt get to meet her ytd!
-cries
went to work all alone.
(and baby, i didnt blame you)
pms-ing.
baby get ALL OF IT.
(im so sorry!)
she was shocked by the scolding. =X
`later!
; never knew how easy you could steal my heart_
i miss you, come home soon))`
; stick with you
Friday, December 10, 2004
im glad i made her smile again.
you were the first thing on my mind when i wake up.
you were the last thing on my mind before i go to sleep.
in between that first and last, you're always on my mind.
moodswinging badly.
those RED paint started flowing already.
please DO NOT irritate me.
my hair is irritating can.
can't tie. GRRRRR.
must wait for so long!
ughhhhhhhhh.
baby haven call yet.
no msges, no phone calls.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
i miss baby fucking lots.
i realise our conversation are getting quiet.
i better do something about it. -wonders
the cramps are killing me.
why not just kill me?!
ive been updating crap,
yes i know.
going for midnight mass with baby on xmas.
dont know if i can go.
hhahaha.
I wanted you to know I love the way you laugh.))`
i love you most of all because you're you.))`
; stick with you
Thursday, December 09, 2004
arghs.
im so fucked up now.
i must have said something wrong to make baby feel this way.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
tell me why.
why am i sucha _____?
ARGHS.
i feel like killing myself.
why why why?
i cant even put a simple smile on your face.
just rebonded my hair yesterday.
hehs. trim a lil too.
need to cut again.
it isnt the hairstyle i was having in my mind.
went to meet baby after that.
hahaha, took train, 156 then 80.
went to aunt's place straight.
hehs. baby so cute.
rhys fell on the stairs yesterday.
BADLY BRUISED. so am i.
cried and screamed so loudly,
everyone in the hse went to tk a look.
scary. zell was the one at fault. sighh.
christmas coming in 16 days.
anni's coming in 19 days.
baby, do i worth your love?))`
; stick with you
Wednesday, December 08, 2004
baby, i'm sorry about last night.
i really wonder how are you now.
i'm afraid. i don't want to see you like that.
i'm sorry. i should have just shut up.
all my fault. blame it all on me.
don't say its okay, when its not.
i want to see you now. ) :
as i look through, i saw her photos.
i started to think to myself.
why didn't you choose her instead.
i know, she treats you like fuck.
i don't know why would i think in that way.
i shouldn't be.
i hate it. grrrrr.
-SLAPS MYSELF
i hate, i hate what i did to baby last night.
i scared her.
she shocked me with her voice.
hurt. pain. pain. hurt.
my heart just fell LIKE THAT.
she's too dear to me, dont take her away.
if i could, i would go over.
i wanted to, baby stopped me.
i rather myself get into trouble than seeing baby this way. ) :
i love my gf, my 18, my baby.
_i left the ring close to my heart))`
; stick with you
Tuesday, December 07, 2004
yeah. meeting baby later.
waiting for her to call.
waited since 9.
she haven call.
guess she's very tired.
shall not think too much.
i want nachos! ):
someone left two precious moment files on my desk.
i wonder if it's for me.
hehs. very cute.
both same, identical ones.
*wonders
If I were the moon,
I would light a path to my heart,
When you're feeling dark and stormy
And your world is falling apart.
If I were the rain,
I would wash away your doubt,
Flood your world with happiness
And show you what love is about.
If I were the sun,
I would dry up all your tears,
Your loneliness with despair,
And all your remaining fears.
If I were the wind,
I would blow you a kiss,
Tug on your heart,
And give you someone to miss.
If I were the cold,
I would freeze you for the day,
Sit and admire your beauty
In every possible way.
The love I feel for you,
Doesn't have an end.
; stick with you
Monday, December 06, 2004
working again later.
but, meeting baby first. ((:
AHEM+
talking to baby on the phone now.
ughh, she's cute lah.
i love my gf. (:
kinda bored.
oh yeah, daddy went for a checkup thatday.
pure bliss, he aint sick anymore! ((:
hahaha, he can eat everything he wants now. (:
kinda sad when i tot abt those times when daddy's suffering.
but now, everything's fine.
baby, no worries. youve got me to care and concern and love you. :D
i'm settling down with you.))`
baby, i need you so bad.))`
; stick with you
Friday, December 03, 2004
i couldn't put that load off my mind. ) :
i keep thinking of what happened last night.
will someone just slap me to wake me up?
the pain is still there.
the feelings you hide.
i haven't stop daydreaming since i woke up.
whats wrong with me now.
arghs. stab me with the knife now, pleasee.
i wonder what is the thing thats affecting me.
i know it myself, maybe i just don't wanna face reality.
) : hang up on the phone with baby already.
i knew she's fucking tired.
i shouldn't have called. =i swear i ain't happy.
tutor msg me yesterday.
she wants to have tuition.
i don't want. i told her, i'm working currently, very busy. (:
i love my cousin's gf.
she bought me the precious moment box i wanted.
i thought she would have forgotten all about me.
hahahaha, but she didn't!
unlike my cousin, UNTIL NOW, THE FUNKEY STILL WITH HIM. =his daughters, god son and zell got the same toy.
they were like " wah, got new toy. i want to call auntie valerie! "
hahahahaha, excluding me.
yeah, i want to call her.
no, i mean message. (:
zell loves the song " have you ever " by S Club 7.
i love both by S Club and Brandy.
have you ever loved somebody so much that it makes you cry?
i did. i love my gf, my 18.
sorry tears, please go home, i don't wanna cry.
> fucked up !
naive, stupid thinking. i can't prolly think every r/s could be like another. i can't expect every gf of mine to be up to my expectations. this time, i gotta let go a little. give some air to the little butterfly in my clutched hands,i'm gonna let it fly high. i'm gonna let baby have all the freedom she wants. i don't wanna control her. i don't need her to tell me where she's going, where is she, who is she going out with. i don't wanna make her feel so stressed up that the last choice she was left with, was LEAVE. ) : she's no longer grounded. now, little butterfly, go on and fly high. now, i know why jace is stressed up when she's with me and not others. i'm creating fuck for baby. if something bad is so gonna happened to her while running home yesterday, i will never forgive myself. you don't deserve a bad gf like me. after knowing so much, it hurts alot. i couldn't even control those tears. at that point of time, all i needed was you to be here, hug me tight, hold me close to you, never let go, kissing all my pains away, wiping away my tears and say " no worries, daddy's here ". why am i sucha failure. all i wanted was just to make you happy with youre with me. first 5 days, so much happened. we cried, we talk things out. ) : imma bad gf. i bring fuck to people. -SCREAMS- i love you baby. -huggs. everything is fine. i don't know why i couldn't bring myself to voice out what i want to say, thou i was daring enough to say many others. baby i'm sorry. ive disappoint you again and again. je t'aime. wofo aifi nifi. wofo haofao xiangfiang nifi. ifi lovefove youfou. ifi missfiss youfou afalotfot. -hugs tight.
have you ever loved somebody so much it makes you wanna break down and cry?
have you ever loved somebody so much that youre willing to give uo everything for them?
have you ever needed something so bad you can't sleep at night?
have you ever closed youre eyes and dreamed that they were there?
yes, i did. and baby its you.
; stick with you
Thursday, December 02, 2004
working today.
ughh, but shopping with cousin first. ( :
buying stuffs for my sister. ughh.
wells, she asked me to ignore her.
so i did. i can't do anything.
i feel hopeless.
i'm sorry, blame on me for things to turn out this way.
just hang up the phone with baby.
both she and her mum is funny.
( : yes sister, what can i help?
what do think of
elbow pads, knee pads and helmet to learn motobike?
hahahaha.
that made me laugh my head off.
might be able to meet baby today.
hehs. she's gonna buy her phone today! (:
im gettin N7260 and she's gonna get T630!
heh, i love both!
okay. i gotta run already!
meeting baby later! -winks
ah, shit.
tummy ache. ) :
baby, i'm sorry about what happened last night. i won't want to give you all of my sufferings. why not you give them all to me instead? i take it all, i'll pull them through. i want you to be happy. imma bad gf. i didn't take good care of you. baby, i need you here with me now. i want to move in with you, but i can't. if i could find you now, things would get better. we could leave this place and run forever! (: we'll share everything together, dear. i'm sorry for all the wrongs i did. je' taime. +hugs
my baby boy,
i will love you till forever, i promise))`
; stick with you
Wednesday, December 01, 2004
just hang up the phone with baby.
she's having headache.
i didn't take care of you.
poor boy. ) :
im feeling restless and empty without you.
baby, please tell me why am i feeling this way?
i need you by my side always, for all time.
ughhh. i woke up early just to talk to baby.
but, it turn out like that.
she say she'll talk to me online.
ya, right. hope she's resting now. sighh.
and yes, baby is grounded.
and she's happy about it.
TSK. =\ just because she didn't got grounded before.
she's supposed to clean up her room today.
SHE CALLED! :D:D
okay, i know im retarded.
she's busy packing her room.
very good! ( :
she's giving me her books please.
i need to start studying.
gonna start work tmr i guess.
=\ i need money badly.
well well, i bet she's happily cleaning up.
hahahaha, that silly has got plenty to throw.
her mum is happy that she's cleaning up.
amber stared at her while she throw everythg aside.
okay, i gotta run!
` i cant be bothered with people like YOU!
cut all for i care, i hate you! ) :
; stick with you
just hang up the phone with baby.
she's having headache.
i didn't take care of you.
poor boy. ) :
im feeling restless and empty without you.
baby, please tell me why am i feeling this way?
i need you by my side always, for all time.
ughhh. i woke up early just to talk to baby.
but, it turn out like that.
she say she'll talk to me online.
ya, right. hope she's resting now. sighh.
and yes, baby is grounded.
and she's happy about it.
TSK. =\ just because she didn't got grounded before.
she's supposed to clean up her room today.
SHE CALLED! :D:D
okay, i know im retarded.
she's busy packing her room.
very good! ( :
she's giving me her books please.
i need to start studying.
gonna start work tmr i guess.
=\ i need money badly.
well well, i bet she's happily cleaning up.
hahahaha, that silly has got plenty to throw.
her mum is happy that she's cleaning up.
amber stared at her while she throw everythg aside.
okay, i gotta run!
` i cant be bothered with people like YOU!
cut all for i care, i hate you! ) :
; stick with you
